Men ending Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault in Texas

Women decided long ago that they wanted men's violence against them to stop. Men, as a gender, have not made that decision. When we do decide and act on that decision, violence against women will end.

This page aims to serve as a collection of resources for men, primarily in Texas, who are working to end domestic violence and sexual assault in our families and communities. It grew out of discussions during and subsequent to the 3rd Forum on Men's Work to End Violence Against Women organized by the Texas Council on Family Violence March 20-22, 2002 in Austin, Texas. At present it contains links to external resources, and a featured article or poem of the month. Submissions to both are welcome and may be sent to




Academic Resources




Gay & Bisexual



Programs for batterers

DV shelters and agencies

Texas Council on Family Violence

Texas Association Against Sexual Assault


Men Can Stop Rape

Men for HAWC

Men's Resource Center of Western_Massachusetts

Men Stopping Violence

Strong Men Don't Bully

National Organization for Men Against Sexism

UNDP Men and Gender Equality Programme
The Men's Bibliography

Men and Masculinities (journal)

Men, Masculinities and Gender Relations in Development (seminar series)

XY: men, masculinities and gender politics

Featured Article: November 2002
[For past featured articles, scroll to the bottom of this page.]

How Men Can Help End Domestic Violence

Alan Mayman
Berkley County, West Virginia

I remember locking eyes with my friend as he told me "It's the alcohol, you know, man? And I haven't touched a drop since she kicked me out." He wanted his wife to know that, and he wanted her to take him back

And it seemed he wanted me to grant him absolution from his inexcusable behavior. He also wanted to confirm that our friendship was still intact.

I remember how hard it was to confront him then, I was still so shocked by it all. He was my friend, my hunting buddy, the guy I'd joke and laugh with on boat trips while fishing the Potomac, or on Saturday nights when we all got together. But until she came out and told everyone, I really had no idea that he was abusing his wife.

Do you know someone who is abusing their partner? If so, what are you doing about it? I came face to face with this question the day I found out about his abusive behavior.

According to the National Institute of Justice, as many as 95 percent of domestic violence perpetrators are male.  While men are victims of domestic violence too, it is clear that the vast majority of abusers are men.

To combat this, we have batterer intervention programs, shelters, protective orders, and calls to 911-all vital, but simply not enough to deal with the magnitude of the problem of domestic violence in the community

We need more. We need a fundamental shift in the way we respond to people who are abusive, and I believe that men are in position to make the greatest contribution to the struggle to end domestic violence. Abusing your wife or girlfriend with language, fear, iron-fisted control, intimidation, ridicule, or actual physical blows is not only completely antithetical to the notion of love or a caring relationship-it is also simply wrong. Easy enough.

If you disagree, then stop reading now. I can't comprehend what passes for thinking in your mind, and this article is not targeted at you. Get help. Instead, I'm hoping that men reading this who know an abuser-a friend, relative, or co-worker-will stop and think about how they interact with this person.

The first challenge is to realize the abuse is actually happening. This can be difficult, because domestic violence doesn't always leave bruises or broken bones: it can be verbal or emotional abuse which doesn't leave marks that you can easily see.

But sooner or later, you might catch some clues. Maybe she seems afraid or reserved around him, or acts differently when he's around. Maybe she does have bruises, from falling down (again?).It is your business to know the men you call your friends, so look hard.

The second challenge is to understand that the abuse is not caused by the wife or girlfriend, the alcohol, or the stress from work. It is a conscious decision on the part of the abuser to use fear and intimidation to control their partner, and there is simply no room for this kind of behavior in a loving, caring relationship.

His professions that "it's the alcohol" or "I just can't control my temper", should carry no weight. Let's suppose you discover that your friend or family member is abusing his wife or girlfriend.What can you do about it? Tell yourself it's none of your business? Grab a beer or see a movie or swap jokes with someone who abuses the person they are supposed to love?The point, for me, at least, is not to fix your friends' problems or try to end a multi-generational pattern of abuse and violence.That's not something we can necessarily control. However, we do have control over ourselves and our sense of humanity, honor, integrity, and compassion.We can decide that someone else's violent behavior, even though it's not directed at us, is an unacceptable quality in a friend or family member.

We may not be able to change them, but we can change how we interact with them. That ball is in our court. We can send the message that domestic violence is unacceptable; we can end our tacit approval of an ugly, abhorrent behavior.

Standing on the side of what's right isn't always easy-it cost me a friendship.But it also granted me unexpected rewards. My ex-friends' soon-to-be ex-wife took comfort in the way I reacted to him and my decision to end our friendship; my friendship with her has since grown. Maybe I also helped her to start healing.I hope so.

Reaching out to someone who is being abused is something we can all do. It can be a powerful affirmation for someone dealing with the self-doubt and fear that haunts anyone in an abusive relationship.

Men are in a position to help in the fight against domestic violence. We are fathers, brothers, friends, role models; we are most of the judges, police, and policy makers in our community.We should all ask ourselves if we know anyone who is abusing his partner-and if we do, we should do something about it.

It may be hard to give up a friendship, but imagine how hard it is for the girlfriend or wife to see her friends continue to laugh and joke and be friends with the person that is hurting her, even though they know about it.What are you telling her through your behavior?What are you saying about yourself?

Thanks to Tony Switzer for securing permission to reproduce this article.